Breaking Bad... Memoir Of An Ex-Bad Boy Lover

So let’s make the shift... bad boys/guys aren’t what they’re cracked up to be. In fact, as you grow and mature, they tend to become more and more unattractive.

BUT, most women can admit at some point in their life, they fell head over heels for the “bad boy.” And for me, it’s the one with that Jason Statham edge, or that ridiculous Idris Elba swag and a dash (just a dash) of rebellion. And if he came packaged with a few tattoos, even better. Although these are my descriptions of a bad boy, you still get my drift. They are the one’s you were told to stay away from, yet your heart tells you to run in their direction.

Getting into a relationship with a bad boy can be super risky, but secretly I think we enjoy it. It’s like a chase, somewhat, but a very chaotic one. And the one thing that holds true is that we’re always left having to pick up the pieces after everything is said and done.

I’ve grown away from that mindset, but I’d be remiss not to share some key lessons from that growth.

I had to ask myself the million dollar question: Why? And by the way, don’t you hate the why’s sometimes?!?!?

Why would you want to be with someone that you’d have to question, everyday, where you stood with them or who you are to them? Why do you want to be with someone that has that edge and is supposedly wanted by all women, yet he has little to no respect for you? It turns into a cycle: Things are good; next he does something bad; then comes some ridiculous argument; then forgiveness; and finally, it repeats itself. How draining is that?!

But guess what, it doesn’t even stop there...

Then, you move on to marrying that person because walking away from them seems like more work. Five years and two kids later, you question how you got to this place, while you’re sitting in the marriage counselor’s office (and that’s if he agrees to go). And you thought walking away years ago was work....

We’re Just Having Fun...

I totally get it — it’s hard planning out your love-life looking far ahead. Most people prefer to have a short-term vision when it comes to their relationships. They think in the “now” without any concern for the future. “I just want to see how things go” or “I just want to focus on having fun.” And if the future happens to trickle into their thought process, its a made up future of what they think it would be like with that person.

Here’s the other side to this thing, that relationship may go over that short-term timeframe. And you can’t fantasize your way into the future. You can’t be stuck on that first week when you all met and hold on to that in the long term. Things are always good in the beginning, that doesn’t mean that the person will stand the test of time and will make it over the long-term threshold. Maya Angelou said it best “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.” We use that quote so often on social media for likes and shares, but never truly letting it operate in our own love-lives.

“But we got so much chemistry. When I see him I just melt.”

Yeah, but what else? Sweetheart all that chemistry talk is good but what else?

Quick analogy: Do you remember taking Chemistry in High School? Was that the only class you needed to graduate? You’d agree that it takes a combination of all your classes to give you the right amount of credits to be able to graduate, right?!?! Now how often do you use Chemistry in comparison to the other subjects in your day-to-day life now?

Look at Chemistry in a relationship the same way. Chemistry is good in a relationship, don’t get me wrong, but without the other important factors (classes) — emotionally there, stable, trustworthy, loving, etc., that man should NOT graduate into a relationship with you. I don’t even use the subject Chemistry now in my adulthood, but Math and English, I use that everyday on the job. What I’m saying is although Chemistry is important, after a couple years, you’ll realize that its not even the constant operating factor or the “subject you use” in the relationship. So don’t let it be the only thing that’s driving your bus.

I Don’t Know Why I Like Bad Boys...

There are many things from your past that can contribute to your appetite for a bad guy vs. a good guy. Possibly it’s because of things you saw growing up. Men working all the time, showing mediocre love to the wife. And although that scenario by itself isn’t gut wrenching, it showed us the absence of emotions. Which, is a common characteristic of a bad boy. So we play that same role when dating by accepting that mediocrity. Some people grew up seeing cheating as a normal thing. And this goes both ways; men and women. It may not be true for all, but it’s true for some. All of these things can contribute to our appetite.

I had a brief conversation with an acquaintance and I asked her to tell me why she likes the bad boys. She said “because I’m a bad girl so I know how they think — we are alike.” You can probably imagine the perplexed look I had on my face. Wow... it’s hard for any woman, good or bad, to understand how a man thinks, yet you’re thinking y’all are cut from the same cloth so clearly you have some supernatural revelation on him huh? No! And stop convincing yourself of that.

Good Guys Aren’t Fun...

I’m not saying to just run and be with a guy because he is considered to be a “good guy.” No! That’s crazy talk! Some of them, as nice as they are, are corny as heck. But you got to change your thought process and choose wisely. Yeah, yeah, I know, the whole thought process thing isn’t a “sexy” topic but it’s definitely a life saving topic. Those bad guys come with some behaviors that can drive a woman completely insane. What do you want in a man? Do you even know? Your love-life should not be about thrills and ride or die’s, that stuff only looks good on TV. Maybe it’s time to redefine what “fun” means to you.

So Now What...

Change your thought process! Understand your worth and understand what the important elements that make up a relationship are. Think about what’s important to you because that “edge” and “swag” wont get you through the storms of life.

Lay that bad boy down to rest... for good.

to you,

kim

Originally posted on huffingtonpost

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